Always Bring a Banana to a Party

[dragonofmemory]

Always Bring a Banana to a Party
By: Memory Dragon the Bananas.  They so made me do it.
Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who, nor do I make any claim to.
Characters: Tenth Doctor/Simm Master/Jack/Ianto
Warnings: I just... Crack.  Lots of crack.  And some innuendo and a little bit of implied sex.  Did I mention the crack?  Oh, and bananas...
Original Prompt: Ten!Simm!Jack!Ianto, bananas, in the TARDIS
Notes: Written a long time ago for the best_enemies anon kink meme. The original can be found here.  I swore never to admit to this one since it's ridiculous and received nary a comment in the first go, but since I'm admitting to the Batman roleplay, I might as well post the other equally embarrassing fic.  What's left of my pride shall be weeping in the corner.
Thanks: Many thanks to nemaline for managing to sit through this to beta it.

~

Jack and the Master had a sort of animosity towards each other that Ianto had never seen before, at least not from Jack. Sure, there'd been all those stories of the Master's cruelty, none of which he'd actually heard from Jack... Ianto happened to be a very good snoop and if the information existed anywhere, odds were he could eventually find it if he applied himself. Even if the horse's mouth refused to speak, Ianto had a decent knowledge of certain details pertaining to the Year - some of which Jack might not even know. He could, therefore, understand Jack's loathing of the Time Lord in question. What he didn't understand was how this translated into these 'contests' of one up-manship which they generally tried to force the Doctor into judging.

Actually, he didn't understand what he was doing here in the first place. Jack had been thrilled to find that old police box on a trip down to Manchester chasing down the odd alien who'd come through the rift and discovered human public transportation. Once the alien had been stopped and sent hitchhiking back to its galaxy, he and Jack had been taking a nice stroll through a little park (Sackville Park, wasn't it? He found the name escaping him now, though it was lovely enough while they'd been there. It felt like ages since he'd last been in his regular century...) when they'd come across it. Assuming it was Jack's fondness for antiques, Ianto expected a quick, close quarters snog session 'for old time's sake' when he'd been pulled inside the blue box. He really should have known better, should have considered that this might have been the blue box, but it'd been a rather long day and he'd been thinking more about sex himself. Upon realizing that the inside of the blue box was bigger than the outside, Ianto had to resolve himself to a lack of a bed partner for the night as Jack got lost in memories.

He had to resolve himself to a few other things too - namely, not being told they were stowing away to distant planets and times, two eccentric Time Lords that he couldn't even begin to understand, and getting lost in the maze called the 'TARDIS' any time he wanted to find a bathroom. It wouldn't be so bad if the Doctor were better at getting them back home. These alien planets and past and future versions of Earth were very nice and all, but Ianto really missed the non-constantly changing streets and buildings of modern Cardiff. They had just gotten back to the TARDIS after the Doctor's fourth attempt to land them some time near their proper century ended with him and the Master nearly killed by neon blue midgets. Not the most dignified of positions for either of them, to be honest, and still no where near Earth.

The event left the Master one behind in the little 'contest' he and Jack had going, since it had naturally been Jack who swaggered in to the rescue.  Which some how they ended up as the current source of Ianto's discomfort. To put it simply... they were eating bananas. As lewdly as possible and trying to out do each other as outrageously as possible. While Jack obviously had more than adequate experience in such matters, the Master had been very creative about it and... Oh, where the hell had this bloody machine shifted the restroom this time? No one else had problems finding any thing on - Finally. He'd thought he'd never find one.

A few minutes later, Ianto was very much relieved. With his discomfort taken care of, he only hoped he'd be able to find Jack's bedroom before giving up after the long day and sleeping in whatever room he next came across that had a bed. One swimming pool, two fields, and a library later, Ianto found a kitchen which was at least well stocked with coffee. He made himself a very strong cup before sinking down into the nearby wooden chair to brood silently. Why was it long days only seemed longer when you are surrounded by the unfamiliar?

"Lost again?"

Ianto jumped half a foot, nearly spilling the coffee as the Doctor's voice came from behind him. Looking over, Ianto felt a mixture of emotions as he saw the lanky Time Lord cross through the room. He knew that blaming the Doctor for Lisa's death was pointless. Whether or not the Doctor could have saved everyone a few seconds earlier so that she would have been spared was a useless conjuncture to contemplate and Ianto had seen enough of the Time Lord to know he'd probably have done everything he could to stop the lives being taken as quickly as possible. Maybe the Doctor could have stuck around a little after, helped save Lisa still... but Ianto wasn't the only one who'd lost someone that day. No, he couldn't even blame the Time Lord for that. He also knew that it wasn't the Doctor's fault that Jack's eyes followed him, not Ianto, any time the Time Lord was in the same room. That was just who Jack was. Ianto knew what he was getting into when he was starting this relationship, knew Jack not only still loved the Doctor, but Gwen as well, and he was okay with that, for the most part. As okay with it as he could be, because he also knew Jack loved him the best the immortal could.

He knew all those facts... but that didn't make him okay with it. He wasn't okay with it at all, no matter how well he knew it and it was intensely frustrating to know he shouldn't get upset over these facts when he couldn't help himself from feeling hurt by them. To top it all off, the Doctor didn't even drink coffee. Despite his insistence of throwing tea into the bay with the Americans, the Doctor wouldn't try coffee when Ianto made it. Even the Master had a cup and Ianto was far more inclined to forgive people who drank his coffee. But no, the Doctor only took tea (which the Welshman was terrible at making) and that didn't help with Ianto's resentment any.

Maybe time would heal most of those wounds, but Ianto didn't particularly care to stick around that long. Though at the rate things were going, he'd probably be here for a while longer. Which meant being polite, smiling despite not feeling happy and keeping up his side of the conversation while staying as emotionally distant as possible. "I'm usually not this geographically challenged," he said, not bothering to confirm that yes, he was hopelessly lost again thanks to this stupid time machine. "Wish I knew why I suddenly can't tell my left from my right."

At this, the Doctor looked thoughtful and pulled a pair of black rimmed glasses out of his coat pocket. "Let's see if we can find out," he said as he put them on and regarded Ianto critically, squinting after a moment. It was just a little unnerving, being regarded like you were a piece of malfunctioning equipment. "You don't seem all that special, so why..."

"Thanks for that." So much for being special. He didn't think the Time Lord meant it so harshly, but that didn't take away the sting.  Before he could could get defensive, however, the Doctor was swiftly closing the distance between them and getting right up into his face.  Ianto let out a small yelp, inching back as far as the back of the chair would let him, but the Doctor paid no head. "Doctor, what-"

Shushing him, the Doctor moved until their foreheads were touching in a complete invasion of his personal space and placed his hand against the side of Ianto's head, fingers brushing against his temples. His eyes were closed, thankfully, but Ianto was awfully hard put to remain impassive with the blush on his face. The Doctor was close enough to kiss and he was reminded that, despite all the grief the man had given him, the Doctor was also very attractive and it was understandable why Jack was in love with him. Swallowing hard, Ianto closed his own eyes and waited stiffly for whatever the Doctor was doing to be over with.

"Relax," the Doctor commanded gently. "Just going to poke around in your head to figure out what's going on. If there's anything you don't want me to see, then imagine a closed door and I won't look." Relax? When the Doctor was apparently going through his mind without so much as a by your leave? Ianto imagined quite a few locked doors, plus a couple of steel walls for good measure. He could feel the Doctor raise his eyebrows, but didn't comment against it. "Yes, alright. Point taken. Now, what's gotten into your sense of direction..."

There was a small movement in Ianto's mind, almost like a hand brushing over the hair on his arm. Not quite touching, but unmistakably there. Ianto could feel the goosebumps the sensation was making, wishing Jack would come in and interrupt this. No such luck, however, and now the Doctor was frowning. Except, Ianto didn't so much as see the frown as know the Doctor was frowning, due to the contact of their minds, something that terrified him. He hated feeling this open and vulnerable. "Has someone been messing with your memories?" the Doctor asked finally, thankfully out loud. Ianto didn't know what he'd have done if he'd asked inside his head.

"I wouldn't be surprised if someone had." He worked for Torchwood, after all. Even discounting those forty-eight hours everyone, Jack included, couldn't remember, there were probably other times his memories had been messed with. There was no point in worrying about what he couldn't remember though. "That isn't the problem, is it?" Because if that were the case, wouldn't Jack have been just as disoriented?

The Doctor shook his head in a small motion; it had been a question of curiosity, nothing more. Resigning himself to this invasion of privacy, Ianto simply concentrated on keeping most of his thoughts and feelings under a tight lock and key so the Doctor wouldn't sense them accidentally. The Doctor spoke again, after a few moments of quiet. "You've grown up in the Cardiff area?"

"Pretty much. Ran away from home when I was nineteen, but I came back again after..." After the battle of Canary Warf. He'd had no choice then, but to come back and pray Torchwood Three took him in so that he could save Lisa. Too late Ianto realized his thoughts about Lisa must have gotten away from him, because he could sense the disapproval radiating off the Doctor. Anger and hurt rose up and for a moment all he could think about were her cries of pain. "You didn't save her," he accused quietly.

The disapproval quickly disappeared and was replaced by remorse, but it was too late. The damage had been done to both parties and now neither of them could avoid the tension.

The Doctor pulled away and it was a long moment before Ianto opened his eyes again to see the Time Lord's sorrowful eyes. "I'm sorry," the man said softly, as if he'd been waiting for the acknowledgment.

Sighing, Ianto shook his head softly and looked away. The apology wasn't good enough, not to make up for everything he'd been through, everything he'd done and nearly foolishly destroyed. It didn't have to be, however, despite the warring emotions he was trying to swallow down. His head knew that, even if his heart didn't. "Wasn't your fault," he said finally.

There was a moment of silence, which the Doctor broke awkwardly, trying to steer the conversation back to the original topic. Ianto honestly didn't mind the babbling as it gave him time to compose himself again. He was actually a little jealous of how quickly the Time Lord was able to switch off the tension from the previous moment and become cheerful again. "I think I've figured out what's wrong. The TARDIS emits a low level telepathic field. Mostly harmless, that, translating languages for you and so forth. But you've grown up next to the rift. You've got a residual amount of rift energy about you that the old girl is fond of for a bit of a midnight snack."

Ianto blinked. Despite having a bit more experience with being considered 'lunch' by certain species of aliens, he wasn't all too comfortable with the analogy of being a midnight snack for a time machine. "So that's what's causing me to get lost?"

"Well," the Doctor said, drawing out the word with a sniff, "no. That's just making it worse, since the TARDIS is fond of you." The blue box being 'fond' of him was a much more comfortable mental image at least, especially after the banana contest in the console room. "You've got a hypersensitive disorder of your brain's immune system that fights off psychic attacks. Not too worrisome, considering you're human and and most humans don't have any sort of immune system to psychic fields."

A hypersensitive disorder? He'd heard that somewhere before and... "You're saying I'm allergic to the TARDIS?" Wonderful. Just what he needed to make this trip even more pleasant. He was allergic to the bloody time machine and that caused him to lose all sense of direction in an already maze-like structure while Jack pinned away after its owner. Resting his head in his hands, Ianto leaned over the table and tried desperately not to break down into tears over something this stupid. This would not be the final straw that broke him, he refused to let this get to him...

And, of course, the Doctor went on, not even noticing the slow disintegration of Ianto's self control and emotional state. "Yup, that sums it up. Doesn't help that the TARDIS is acting like a overly affectionate kitten next to a heater either. Still, you're at least back to normal once you're outside of the TARDIS - for the most part - and it shouldn't leave any lasting effects. We'll just have to keep an eye on you while you're..." The Doctor trailed off, but Ianto didn't exactly care. He'd stopped listening to the babble after the affectionate kitten bit, trying not to think about how much Jack would actually miss him with the Doctor here if he did get truly lost.

That's why, when the Doctor put a hand on his shoulder, Ianto was surprised enough to jump. Thankfully, his eyes were mostly dry when he looked up to see the sympathetic expression the Doctor was wearing. In a flash, the expression was gone and replaced with a cheery grin, to which Ianto was eternally grateful for. The Doctor was the last person he wanted pity or understanding from. "Come on, then. Up you get. Let's get rid of the rest of these bananas before the Master and Jack find them. How are you at making banana daiquiris?"

It was such a turn around in the conversation, Ianto found himself hard put to keep up with this man's thought process. Banana daiquiris? "Dunno. I... Never really tried, I guess." He was a bit of a light weight when it came to drinks and didn't those have rum in them? Ianto had sworn off rum after the xXltttxtolxtol incident. Still, if he could make it, it'd be a drink the Doctor would like, wouldn't it? For some reason it was always easier to forgive people who could like something he'd made for them...

Ah, what the hell. At least Jack and the Master would be forced to stop that silly contest for the Doctor's attention and Ianto could be in the same room with them and able to sit normally. He let the Doctor pull him up out of the chair and set about to getting know the kitchen. Somewhere along the line, the Doctor managed to produce the recipe, blender, rum and triple sec. The bananas were already on the counter, which left the lime juice, ice (both in the TARDIS equivalent of a refrigerator) and the sugar...

Ianto pulled the lid off a container, peering down at the contents wearily. "Is this the sugar?" he asked, not certain if he could really trust the contents of the Doctor's pantry to be completely devoid of non-Earth ingredients after a few of the things he'd seen before he found the sugar.

Looking over briefly, the Doctor nodded before going back to whatever he was doing with some chocolate. "Yes, that's it," he said absently. "Keep it out for me, will you? I'm going to try this recipe from an old friend... Chocolate cakes were her specialty."

Chocolate cake and banana daiquiris. Somehow, Ianto could picture this all going very wrong, but he found he didn't mind so much. He always felt better when his hands were moving and doing something useful. Sticking a finger in the small white crystals, he tasted the substance first before measuring out the required amount. Well, it tasted like sugar. A very good sugar, at that. Here goes nothing!

* * *

Jack had so clearly swept the table of the Master's little 'contest', except both the Doctor and Ianto had left the console room when the contestants were too caught up in their game. Regardless of what the Master thought, both of them would have agreed that Jack was the obvious winner here. Sharing one more look of mutual distaste with the Master, the immortal went off to try and find one or the other missing persons to gloat. Unfortunately, after about thirty minutes of looking, he found the Master again first.

Since the Master was standing in the doorway with his back facing him, Jack was tempted to just turn around and go the other direction. Unlike the Doctor, Jack was unable to forgive the Master for all the things he'd done during that year, not after seeing all the pleasure the sadist got out of it. Most of the time it took all of his willpower not to beat the Master senseless since coming aboard the TARDIS again and finding the other Time Lord a prisoner of the Doctor's, especially when the Master had that smirk, knowing how much Jack hated him...

The view beyond the Master caught the immortal's eye, however, and Jack couldn't help himself. He drew nearer, eyes disbelieving the image in the TARDIS kitchen, though it was definitely hot. Every bit of his body told him that was undeniably sexy and oh, what he wouldn't give to be in the middle of that.

Ianto was attempting to keep the Doctor on task, whatever that task was... (Were they baking a chocolate cake? There was so much one could do with chocolate and sex) Attempting, because the Doctor had a drink of some kind in his hand (probably alcoholic in nature, given how he was acting) and was far more interested in trying to feel Ianto up and do a lot more than that besides. Given how flushed the Welshman was, Jack didn't think Ianto would be able to hold out much longer against the Doctor trying to push him over the counter for some deliciously hot and spicy kitchen sex.  Even more surprising, was how much Ianto looked like he was seconds away from doing the same to the Doctor.

"How long have they been at this?" he heard himself ask, surprised to find he was almost breathless.

The Master licked his dry lips, never taking his eyes off the scene in the kitchen. If he'd been surprised by Jack's sudden presence, the Master didn't show it. "I've only been here a minute or so," he said in an equally quiet voice. Jack had been about to say something (though he had no idea what, given the circumstances) when Ianto let out a low moan that sent his libido soaring as the Doctor stole kisses down the Welshman's neck and loosened his tie. It was the Master who spoke first, every bit as desperate as the immortal. "I'll share if you will."

Sharing... Having both the Doctor and Ianto had, admittedly, been a recurring fantasy of his ever since he'd walked back into the TARDIS. Not that he hadn't had it before, but now it was much more frequent. Granted, he'd have to share with the Master, of all people, and that definitely wasn't part of his fantasy, but... Hell, his hardening erection had already made that decision the moment he saw into the kitchen. Now Ianto was panting softly, his eyes half surrendering as the Doctor's hands... Jack cleared his throat forcefully and swallowed hard. "Ianto might need a few more drinks before he'll agree." One person, yes. A foursome, Ianto and his twenty-first century mindset would have problems with, though he'd probably adjust quickly enough.

"Not as many as you might think," the Master said slowly, savoring the Doctor's small noise of dismay as Ianto finally batted his hand away and tried to get back to the eggs. Jack felt his anger and protectiveness rise as the Master's eyes followed not the Doctor, but Ianto as the Welshman futilely tried to keep space between them. How the Master knew, Jack never found out, but his sarcastic reply did calm his nerves a little. "Oh, relax. I can't hurt him as long as long as I'm in the TARDIS, remember? As for the drinks, I switched out the sugar weeks ago for a Betazoid aphrodisiac, hoping to get an interesting result. I'll admit this... exceeded even my expectations."

"Betazoid, huh? I was at a Betazoid wedding once. I'm not much for ceremonies, but I'll go to one of those any day." After all, to honor the act of love that the newly married couple would be undertaking soon, everyone had to be naked. Naked... The Doctor was pulling off Ianto's belt as the Welshman had abandoned the eggs and was now stroking a banana absently... "You've got a deal, but only if he's willing."

The Master smiled wickedly, but Jack found he could forget about the Year for one night and just enjoy what was promising to be a very exciting night of sex. Ianto's breathy whimper cut through any other thought as they both took a step further into the kitchen. It was the Master who said what they were both thinking in the end. "Let's get started on making sure he won't have any objections then."

By the morning, Jack had a whole new appreciation for bananas.

~Fini~

Memory:  Really, why did I write this?  -_-;;;;  Actually, scratch that, why am I admitting to this?  Sigh...

Quotes of the fic:

"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it."
-Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

"Always bring a banana to a party.  Bananas are good."
-The Doctor

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/_rubber_chicken/]

I was actually hesitant to read this myself, since the summary definitely sounded like it was Not My Thing. But then I thought to myself, "Mem's stories are awesome. I have not failed to love a single one, no matter what the premise. If she writes it, it will be good."

And it was. It was fantastic. And oh, god, I can just see the Master making a switch like that with the sugar, and that really does completely justify everything that happens in that kitchen. Also, crack. Did I mention crack? I am glad that you admitted to writing this. ♥

[dragonofmemory]

I don't blame you. I'd have been hesitant to read such a fic... I'd have been hesitant to write such a fic, but the bananas really left me with no choice. Add to the fact that this was like, my second anon response I ever wrote (and second Who fic, certainly the first time I tried Simm and Ten, and reading Simm in this fic makes me cringe), I was quite willing to just forget about the fic entirely. Especially since Ianto got the brunt of my feelings at the time during the minor angst bits and I really don't like to dwell on what happened then.

I'm glad you enjoyed it! It's nice to finally get some response to it. There is definitely a lot of crack to this one... Thanks for the review!